A man walked briskly into the drug store, went over to the pharmacist and said, "I would like a box of Sex-Lax." The pharmacist smiled and replied, "You must mean Ex-Lax." "No," the man responded, "I don't have any trouble going."

A market researcher called at a house and a young woman answered his knock with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed. He asked her if she knew his company, Cheese borough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes." Asked how she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse." The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?" "We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."

These 2 old ladies were walking the grounds at a retirement home, when the secrutity guard walks up to them & says, "Ladies I need you to go inside. There's been a burglary & this man could be in the vicinity. He could be dangerous."
Well, the 1 old lady says, "I ain't scared of no burglar! He's probably long gone."
They continue their walk, when out from he bushes jumps the burglar!
He says to the one old lady, "Give me all your cash lady or I'm gonna have to frisk ya!"
She says, "Well, go ahead, I haven't got any cash on me!"
He frisks the old lady up & down then says, "Well, I suppose you were right."
She says, "Yeah, but if you'll do that again, I'll write you a check!"

An officer was patroling a bad part of town one night when he stops at a nearby biker bar. He gets out & hears some commotion around back.
He goes to check it out & finds one big biker bent over & another one with his finger up dudes ass. Both are so shifaced they can barely stand up.
The cop walks up & says, "What the hell is going on?"
The biker slurs, "Well, he had a little to much to drink so I'm helping him throw up."
The cop says, "Then shouldn't your finger be down his throat?"
The biker replys, "Be patient."

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke" and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Have ya heard there is a new way of storing deer meat.... its a pickeling process....they are gonna call it dilldoe