Beware of Cats
Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2004 1:44 pm
I received this in email form from my cousin
Calling in Sick to WORK........ (CAT)
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No
matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the
feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied
anyway, because the truth was just too darned
humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a
head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in
the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a
doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to
my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then
one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast
when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the
kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again.
Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through
the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it
yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts
going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause
and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping
that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement
about how I perceived her behavior as extremely
cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my
head under the sink to find the button. It is the last
action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to
my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal,
drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our
new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling
objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had
been poised around the corner and stalked me as I
reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment
when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I
unwittingly offered and snagged them with her
needle-like claws.
I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily
movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed,
with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my
masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced
with a fight or flight syndrome. Men, in this
predicament, choose only the "flight" option.
I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up
into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and
forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me
out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over
me. Now there are not many things in this life worse
than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck
naked in front of a group of "been-here, done-that"
paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by
my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as
they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying
to suppress their hysterical laughter.......and not
succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all.
A few days later I finally made it back in to the
office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation
out of me about my head injury. I kept silent,
claiming it was too painful to talk about. Which it
was.
"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your
tongue?"
If they only knew!
Calling in Sick to WORK........ (CAT)
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No
matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the
feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied
anyway, because the truth was just too darned
humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a
head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in
the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a
doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to
my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then
one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast
when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the
kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again.
Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through
the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it
yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts
going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause
and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping
that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement
about how I perceived her behavior as extremely
cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my
head under the sink to find the button. It is the last
action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to
my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal,
drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our
new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling
objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had
been poised around the corner and stalked me as I
reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment
when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I
unwittingly offered and snagged them with her
needle-like claws.
I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily
movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed,
with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my
masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced
with a fight or flight syndrome. Men, in this
predicament, choose only the "flight" option.
I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up
into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and
forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me
out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over
me. Now there are not many things in this life worse
than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck
naked in front of a group of "been-here, done-that"
paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by
my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as
they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying
to suppress their hysterical laughter.......and not
succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all.
A few days later I finally made it back in to the
office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation
out of me about my head injury. I kept silent,
claiming it was too painful to talk about. Which it
was.
"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your
tongue?"
If they only knew!
