...and no one is there to hear it, was it funny?

Whatcha got?

Only if he's fucked up. Then its hillarious.

Only if he's fucked up. Then its hillarious

If he farted it might be funnier.....farts are funny when you I MEAN A COMEDIAN is by themselves Im sure



Dick and fart jokes will always be funny

I dunno ... ask the squirrel

I think he wants to start a joke thread, so I'll toss a few up...

The Difference Between Men and Women

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves.

They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we
going?

Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see ...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer .. .Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our
relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not
shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those
incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumbags.

And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their .... .

''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.

''What?'' says Roger, startled.

''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . Oh God, I feel so ... (She breaks down, sobbing.)

''What?'' says Roger.

''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''

''There's no horse?'' says Roger.

''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.

''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he
can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
''Yes,'' he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.
''What way?'' says Roger.

''That way about time,'' says Elaine.
''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.


''Thank you,'' says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted,
tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of.

A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures
it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy
regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of
them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.
In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and
everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks,
maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never
getting bored with it, either. Meanwhile, Roger, while playing
racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will
pause just before serving, frown, and say:

''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?''

YAY! Thank you Fallen, that was exactly what I wanted, you get an extra yummy Bong Water next time you come in to the Urban!



So there was this couple who met overseas doing service for the Red Cross. Things progressed rapidly, and as happens oftentimes the woman found herself pregnant. With twins. They were very much in love but neither felt that they could support children or give them the time that they would deserve and, having seen far too many children in desperate circumstances when their parents couldn't provide, they decided to give them up for adoption.
The couple wound up getting married when they returned home to the States and having children which they raised and provided for with great love and care. But the woman could never forget her first two boys and constanly wondered what had happened to them. All she was able to find was that one had been adopted by a family in Egypt, who named him Emal, and one by a family in Spain who christened him Juan.
So, one day, one fo those strange coincedences that just seem to be part of the connection between twins came to pass. Both boys had grown up and moved to the US where they were in college. Both had always been quite aware of their adoptive status in that they were obviously of a different race than their parents. They both decided to track down their mother and within one day of each other letters from both arrived at the couples house. Both boys were happy, healthy, and wel provided for and loved by their respective familes, and both had nothing but respect for the woman who had done everything to assure the twins would be provided for.
"Look!" she says to her husband, waving a photo Jaun had included. "He looks so much like us! But, Emal didn't send a photo, I must write him back and ask for one."
To which the husband replies,
"Why? If you've seen Juan, you've seen Emal."

OK So there are these three southern belles sitting on the porch, sipping on their mint juleps. The first belle turns to the second and says, "Mah husband bought me this beautiful plantation." The second belle says, "That's wonderful." The third belle says, "That's nice."
The second belle says to the first, "Mah husband bought me a Mercedes Benz." "That's so sweet of him," exclaims the first belle. "That's nice" replies the third belle.
The first and second belles turn to the third and ask her "What did your husband do for you?" "He sent me to etiquette school," she says.
"Etiquette school?" they both chime.
"Yes," replies the third belle, "so now I say 'that's nice' instead of fuck you"....

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named Frank

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous
Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one
else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

* Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

* Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the
front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler
after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

* Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a
!?##?!?%?~?! uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."

* Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I
wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her
snake sort of coiled and uncoiled ... it's kinda cute.

* Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it
from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges
asked me to stop screaming.

* Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I
asked if she wants to go dancing later.

* Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin
and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with
chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at
autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

* Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3
fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for
all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
FRANK: Mommy??!!

no, it's just sad because he didn't have an audience and he was bored or lonely enough to talk to himself....

THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT AMERICAN MOVIES

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

Most dogs are immortal.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

The Chief of Police is always black.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment

Nice on Fallen, gives me an idea for a new thread, one of my favourite games.

But, I'm slacking, so here goes.

This one comes from one of the cooks at my old job, gotta give credit where credit is due...

What do you call a blinded deer?

I have no idear!

What do you call a blinded deer with no legs?

I still have no idear!!

What do you call a blinded deer, with no legs, that has been castrated?

I still have no fucking idear!!!

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey, where are you going? You just shot my waiter dead and didn't pay for your sandwich."

The Panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA. Look it up!"

The bartender opens his dictionary and reads the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves".

ROFL!

Fallen, you are awesome!

I loved your movie list, so in the same vein...

Words To Live By, And I do.


Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the
statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to
eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the
middle of it.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their
maker.

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to
you for the rest of the day.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.

Never buy a car you can't push.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then
you don 't have a leg to stand on.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you
live.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier
than the people who have to wait for them?

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the
world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons some are sharp, some are
pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different
colors but they all have to learn to live in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a
detour.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.


Man, this fits me so well...

Never take life too seriously. Nobody has ever gotten out alive
anyway.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If he's not the latter,
make him a sandwich.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the
stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals all
over the country dying of nothing.

Whenever I feel blue, I try to start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents???

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

You read about all these Terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of Immigration & Homeland Security.

NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPAMMISH REPETITION!

TheInfiniteMonkey wrote::spam:


NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPAMMISH REPETITION!

I wish you ill.

Ivanna, have I seen that somewhere before? LOL.

If you truly wish me ill, *sigh*, I'll go eat a can of SPAM.

Spam wrote:

TheInfiniteMonkey wrote::spam:


NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPAMMISH REPETITION!

I wish you ill.

LMFAO!!!!

A Golf Story

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the sixteenth hole. He tees up and cranks one, but, unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with a huge knot on his head and the golf ball is lying beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer and proceeds to revive the little guy. Upon awakening, the little fellow says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun and I will grant you three wishes." The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and he walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he DID catch me, so I have to do something nice for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want: I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game and a fantastic sex life."
Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and, sure enough, hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the same little man he asks him how is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm doing fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
"It's great! I hit under par every time."
The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how the money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred pound note."
The leprechaun again says, "I did that for you. And may I ask how your sex life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is flabbergasted and stammers, "Once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "That's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."