Fifteen Ways To Avoid A Good Old Southern Ass Whuppin

rec|use · Post by **rec|use** » Thu Jul 12, 2007 12:33 pm

repost from a friend of mine in tampa

01) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass

02) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass

03) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

04) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your ass.

05) We have plenty of business sense (Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (John Edwards, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her ass.

06) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

07) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

08) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

09) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like NYC, Detroit Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gra y-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime infested cities like New York, Baltimore or Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box... Minus your ass

Hardcoregirl · Post by **Hardcoregirl** » Thu Jul 12, 2007 12:41 pm

Hahaha! Very nice!

Reminds me of someone who was always bragging about being "from New York".

Hardcoregirl · Post by **Hardcoregirl** » Thu Jul 12, 2007 12:41 pm

Hahaha! Very nice!

Reminds me of someone who was always bragging about being "from New York".

vertigo25 · Post by **vertigo25** » Thu Jul 12, 2007 9:23 pm

Wait... Sam Walton was a good business man, but Bill Clinton wasn't?

What I love about this is that with no sense of irony, it manages to completely confirm all (deserved) southern stereotypes while basically saying "don't point them out, or you'll piss us off."

I love how the south only sees things in a north/south perspective, never realizing there's a whole lot the US that falls outside of those regions. It's funny, I've never once heard a northerner make the whole north/south comparison that southerners seem obsessed with. I've got a secret for the hillbillies: no one outside of the South gives a shit.

Hardcoregirl · Post by **Hardcoregirl** » Thu Jul 12, 2007 9:32 pm

I never used the word yankee til I went up north and when I told people I was from Tennessee they treated me like a total fucking idiot.

Or said idiots moving here and bragging about how awesome wherever they live is....I mean if its that great please go back!

lovechild · Post by **lovechild** » Thu Jul 12, 2007 11:34 pm

guess im getting my ass kicked for putting sugar in my grits...but their just better that way!

Celestial Dung · Post by **Celestial Dung** » Fri Jul 13, 2007 11:48 am

just a few things I'll comment on.

4.) Most of the people I knew in Newport would look at me with bumfuzzledness if I mentioned Welty, Williams, or Faulkner. Nicer? Sure if you don't run against the norm in the south. I swear you've never seen so many angry people as when Lollapalooza came to Cocke county.

6) Mark Twain once commented on the fact that whereas the North got over the Civil War the South always had some bugger who felt the need to raise up some issue about it. Here we are in the far flung future and that's still the case. When advanced artificial intelligence in robotic form does arrive, no doubt a southerner will buy one just have it emulate Jefferson Davis.

http://www.stickergiant.com/Merchant2/imgs/250/j18.gif

9) I've come to believe that nobody fakes a southern accent like a southerner.

14) Fresh air??? In Tennessee???? In East Tennessee????

I realize that the list was created tongue in cheek but...Ok moved to Maryville and I'm experiencing Cocke County flashbacks. It's not as bad as Newport but it's still just way too southern. I think I think I just lashed out. I'll be quiet now.

necrosynthesis · Post by **necrosynthesis** » Fri Jul 13, 2007 6:01 pm

i've lived in both the north and the south, and both definitely have comparable annoyances.

but i swear, i'll kick the ass of the next southerner that calls me "bud," "boss," or "dood."

and I don't mind southern accents so much as people who take twice as much time, and three times as many syllables to make a simple point. aaaaaahhhhhhh!

don't even get me started about the mid-west or california.

Dark Elf · Post by **Dark Elf** » Sun Jul 15, 2007 10:06 pm

LOL!
Nice!

Mother Mo · Post by **Mother Mo** » Mon Jul 16, 2007 8:52 am

vertigo25 wrote: I love how the south only sees things in a north/south perspective, never realizing there's a whole lot the US that falls outside of those regions. It's funny, I've never once heard a northerner make the whole north/south comparison that southerners seem obsessed with. I've got a secret for the hillbillies: no one outside of the South gives a shit.

Actually, I beg to differ. I've known many folks from the north who initiate these kinds of conversations. They notice the cultural differences, our patterns of speech, & southern temperament & often just don't get it. My social psych class spent half a class in an impromptu debate over it which was initiated by several northern students. My professor sited several studies which exemplified the behavioral differences in these regions including some that look at data state by state. In general, southerners needs more personal space & use more gratuitous expressions. Researchers attribute these differences to the agrarian versus industrialized aspects of the cultures. Florida is the southern exception. With so many northern residents retiring there, the population (at the time the study was done) was exemplifying the northern norms.

Very amusing list, btw. I dig it.

Hardcoregirl · Post by **Hardcoregirl** » Mon Jul 16, 2007 4:01 pm

Mother Mo wrote:
vertigo25 wrote: I love how the south only sees things in a north/south perspective, never realizing there's a whole lot the US that falls outside of those regions. It's funny, I've never once heard a northerner make the whole north/south comparison that southerners seem obsessed with. I've got a secret for the hillbillies: no one outside of the South gives a shit.
Actually, I beg to differ. I've known many folks from the north who initiate these kinds of conversations. They notice the cultural differences, our patterns of speech, & southern temperament & often just don't get it. My social psych class spent half a class in an impromptu debate over it which was initiated by several northern students. My professor sited several studies which exemplified the behavioral differences in these regions including some that look at data state by state. In general, southerners needs more personal space & use more gratuitous expressions. Researchers attribute these differences to the agrarian versus industrialized aspects of the cultures. Florida is the southern exception. With so many northern residents retiring there, the population (at the time the study was done) was exemplifying the northern norms.

That is quite interesting Mo, I'd never thought about it from that perspective. Culture is such a fascinating thing...

Post by **DarkVader** » Mon Jul 16, 2007 6:09 pm

I'm just not sure where people get the "rude yankee" stereotype. I've seen more of it with southerners.

And the list is exactly what I'm talking about. Someone actually bothered to sit down and write a list of things that shouldn't prompt violence, and (albeit jokingly) threatened violence for them. That's not exactly the epitome of politeness.

Oh, and as to the list...

1. I've never tried to order pasta primavera at Awful House, but I might just be tempted to try, just for the funny looks.

2. The southern names can be pretty funny.

3. If it's not a Coca-Cola, it's not a Coke. I look at people funny when I get asked "what kind?" after I order a Coke. If I'd wanted a Sprite, I'd have ordered a Sprite.

4. Literacy rates in the Northeast and South are similar. The West tends to do better on this one.

5. Yeah, Sam Walton is a great example of business sense. Let's get lower prices now by exporting our future to China. Brilliant.

6. Get over it. It was nearly 150 years ago, and the South lost.

7. The humidity sucks. Really, really sucks. Nearly as much as the mosquitoes.

8. Grits are better with sugar and butter. LOTS of sugar and butter. I don't want salty grits.

9. I can fake a pretty good one some days. I don't usually want to.

10. NYC and Boston are nice towns. Lots of history, friendly, and plenty to do. Detroit, not so much, and DC sucks. But DC is in the South. It's only a river away from Virginia.

11. <sigh> Sound stupid if you want. But the rest of the country will laugh at you when you do.

12. You mean the junkyards, major appliances on the front porch, and increasingly frequent air alert days? Sure, there is scenic beauty here. And there's a lot of unscenic ugliness too.

13. One word: Bullshit. The general population of the South seems about as polite as the general population of NYC.

14. Most Southerners live in cities. Polluted, dirty cities like Atlanta, Nashville, and Knoxville. How many air alert days have we had here so far this year?

15. Do yankees know how to barbecue at all? No? OK, I didn't think so.

Serously, the Civil War is over, let it go. And yes, I AM from "around these parts".

rec|use · Post by **rec|use** » Mon Jul 16, 2007 6:18 pm

i think you all are taking this to seriously

Pharinet · Post by **Pharinet** » Mon Jul 16, 2007 6:36 pm

rec|use wrote:i think you all are taking this to seriously

Nah, they are just bored and debatin'.

Mother Mo · Post by **Mother Mo** » Mon Jul 16, 2007 9:32 pm

Pharinet wrote:
rec|use wrote:i think you all are taking this to seriously
Nah, they are just bored and debatin'.

What she said.

junkie christ · Post by **junkie christ** » Mon Jul 16, 2007 10:45 pm

i fucking love the BBQ line.
ohhhhhhhhhhhh that made me laugh.
love it

Post by **DarkVader** » Wed Jul 18, 2007 1:34 pm

rec|use wrote:i think you all are taking this to seriously

Nope. If I were taking it seriously, I'd have threatened a ban. (real threats of violence are an automatic ban) I'm just goofing off.

But I did move it to the dumpster.

pryjmaty · Post by **pryjmaty** » Thu Jul 19, 2007 10:42 am

So how long does one have to live in the south to be considered a "southerner"?

blackheart2358 · Post by **blackheart2358** » Thu Jul 19, 2007 1:04 pm

Silent Huntress · Post by **Silent Huntress** » Thu Jul 19, 2007 2:23 pm

Long enough to grow a beer belly, lose most of your teeth, move into a trailer in the middle of nowhere, learn to fish with dynamite and hunt deer with a spotlight out of season. You will be required to wear a camo hunting cap and a dirty, stained wife beater if you're a man. For women, you must gain enough weight to weigh at least 300 lbs, wear an oversized thin, dirty, stained white t-shirt without a bra and be seen outside day and night with a "chaw" of tobacco and pink foam curlers in your hair.

(Sorry, my sarcastic self raised it's head this morning and I'm having a really good time with it!)