some of these you've seen before...

[BearDragonLady]

Dilbert's Rules Of Order

1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.

6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

8. My reality check just bounced.

9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

15. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the behind.

16. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

18. The more junk you put up with, the more junk you are going to get.

19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

20. Eat one live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse can happen to you that day.
21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
22. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.


> Joan, a rather well-proportioned secretary, planned to
> > spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing. She found
> > the ideal spot on the roof of her hotel. It was deserted
> > and secluded, with a smooth, raised "deck" which received
> > the sun all day long.
> >
> > She wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second,
> > she decided that since no one could see her way up there
> > that she would slip out of it and get rid of the tan lines
> > on her back.
> >
> > She'd been lying there on her stomach for a little while
> > when she heard someone running up the stairs towards the
> > roof. Startled, she didn't have time to pull on her suit,
> > and since she was lying on her stomach, she just pulled
> > a towel over her rear.
> >
> > "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of
> > the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The
> > Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing up here, but we would
> > very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit, as you
> > did yesterday"
> >
> >
> > "YESTERDAY!" she exclaimed, rather irritated... "Have you
> > been following me around? And besides, what difference
> > does it make ANYWAY since no one except a nosy assistant
> > manager can see me? I'm on the top floor and I'm covered
> > with a towel."
> >
> > "Well, that would be true," said the embarrassed little man.
> > "Except for the fact that you're lying on the dining room
> > skylight."
>
>

[Mother Mo]

Those are great!
I have always like the one about the dragons (#12).


I heard this one when I was young, so I'm sure it's been around for a while...

One autumn, a small bird delayed in flying south for the winter... apparently a habitual procrastinator. Any way, it started getting really cold, so he eventually wises up and starts flying south. He had waited too long, though, and the wind was icey cold. Soon it began to snow. The poor little bird's wings were freezing as he flew until finally, frozen and exhausted, he started falling. As he plummeted down to earth, he knew he would surely perish, and lamented his foolish decision.
Unexpectedly, however, when the little bird hit the ground, he landed in a large pile of fresh cow shit! His fall having been cushioned, and his tiny body now warmed by the surrounding manure, the little bird's heart lightened and he began to sing. As he twittered away happily in the cow shit, a cat happened by, heard the singing, and dug the little bird out and ate him!

As for morals to the tale...

Obviously procrastination is "for the birds."

And if you're happy as a lark sitting in a pile of shit, you really should keep your mouth shut about it!

[Rhalin]

*apologizes in advance for a really bad computer joke*

9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

fortunately for us, Micro$oft hasn't started making people yet and this explains why it only takes one finger to flip someone off instead of three...


PS: cute how the board automatically turns "micro$oft" (without the $) into "the most fetid evil in the known universe" when I previewed this post..